Savoring

I'm really trying to be positive about these last few weeks of fun with my baby before I have to go back to work. Trying seems to be the key word. I have had plenty of time to myself when Toby is gone for his two weeks of work and the baby is sleeping (or when baby is playing quietly and hubby is sleeping, like right now) and it's just me..alone with my thoughts...so I thought I'd just type. I need to let this out and can't verbalize how I feel sometimes.
There are just some moments that I miss my Grandpa Bob more than ever. I wonder what he would think of my sweet boy and having his name be part of my son. I wonder if he would be proud of me. It makes me sad he wasn't there to share my high school graduation, or seeing my final dance recital, or even getting married. Even the bumpy parts in between those happy things.  ButI get so sad sometimes knowing he's not here to watch me be a mother and see his great grandson grow up. I know how supportive he tried to be when I was born and had to be sent to another hospital and I just know he would have done anything in his power to try to make me feel comforted when that happened to me as a mother watching her baby be taken away just minutes after making his way into the world. I'm sure he would have sat on my bedside and held my hand and called me "my little baboo" just a few more times. I'm sure he would have told me everything was going to be just fine. But THINKING this is how things would have been just can't replace the real thing. I didn't know I'd miss him this much after having a child of my own.I'm mostly sad my chld will never get to know such a great man. And it sucks......